Evader Zim

Greetings, gentle readers.
Just when I thought that the sleaziness of Judge Roy Moore was going to fill my column inches for weeks, news arrives of events unfolding in Zimbabwe, where nonogenarian dictator-for-life Robert Mugabe continues to cling to power, despite the fact that the army has seized control of Harare, stationed troops at all significant points of transportation and communication, and has made broadcasts over national television that the old scumbag is alive and well.

Quick Zim Summary

In order to understand what's happening in Zimbabwe right now, let's walk through the last 50 years there really quickly.  I imagine something significant will happen in the next few days, and we should make sure that we're all up to speed.  Then when something actually does happen, I can discuss it full in the knowledge that everyone is conversant with the overall context.

History

• In 1964, the British colony of Rhodesia splits in two, becoming the northern independent state of Zambia, and the southern, still-colonial Southern Rhodesia.
• In 1965, Prime Minister Ian Smith and the Southern Rhodesian parliament universally declared independence from the United Kingdom.  UK PM Harold Wilson tried to strangle to country with economic sanctions.  Zimbabwe reacts by becoming more self-sufficient and grumpy.
• After years of negotiating a new constitution that would allow black African voters a greater share of government without creating fear amongst the White Rhodesians, two sets of political dissidents arise and with the help from predominantly communist countries, establish military insurgencies.  The two rival revolutionary groups are:

• The Zimbabwe African People's Union (ZAPU)
• Predominant ethnicity is Ndabele
• Led by Joseph Nkomo
• Philosophy is Marxist/Leninist
• Military wing: Zimbabwe People's Revolutionary Army (ZIPRA)
• The Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU)
• Predominant ethnicity is Shona
• Led by Robert Mugabe
• Maoist political philosophy
• Military wing:  Zimbabwe African National Liberation Army (ZANLA)
• In 1972, ZANU and ZAPU begin The Bush War.  It rages for seven years, killing loads of people.  The black nationalist revolutionaries, armed with Soviet and Communist Chinese weaponry, wreak havoc on the country.  ZIPRA nauseate many when they shoot down two commercial passenger aircraft, and then hunt down and kill the survivors of the crashes.  ZANLA become known for careless dispersal of landmines.  The image of an elephant shrieking in agony with a blood-spurting stump of a front leg seems to be an accurate metaphor for the country.  Abandoned by its former colonial overlords, the Rhodesian government turns to mercenaries and to South African advisors for help.
• In 1978, Prime Minister Ian Smith crafts a new constitution in concert with a number of non-militant black leaders which appears to satisfy the majority of people.  The "Internal Settlement" would result in multi-racial elections in the new "Zimbabwe-Rhodesia."
• In 1979, the new Internal Settlement elections are held and elect a cabinet of 12 blacks and 5 whites, but the United Nations calls them a "sham."  Robert Mugabe calls all non-militant black leaders, like Bishop Abel Muzorewa "neocolonialist puppets." Nationalist revolutionaries reject the Internal Settlement, and the old colonial masters, Great Britain, are called in to settle the Rhodesian problem.  The unilateral independence declaration is wiped out and the country is declared an independent Zimbabwe, with new electoral conditions.
• In 1980, ZANU absorbs ZAPU and renames itself ZANU-PF (Patriotic Front).  It wins a majority government in the new constitutional parliament.  Things start off well, as all of the trade embargoes are lifted, but over the next 37 years, new President Robert Mugabe turns the country into a tinpot dictatorship, calling for a one-party system, jailing dissidents, seizing white-owned farms for his increasingly numerous group of "war veterans."  GB had set aside money for the Zimbabwe government to purchase farms for black groups, bu Mugabe took that money and then had armed troops take the land and murder and displace white landowners regardless.

Current Events

So what we have is this - Mugabe for 37 years has been unilaterally changing the constitution, creating a militarized youth force committed to himself personally, extorting money from Great Britain and blaming every economic downturn on the "colonial masters."

At last report, he's under house arrest, but has been declared "fine."

The point is - the old bastard is going to die at some point, and because he's set himself as the god-president-for-life, no one knows ow to replace him.  The constitution is as worthless as used toilet paper, and all of his government are military thugs with armed groups behind them.  

Last week, Mugabe sacked his vice-president, shrieking something about "disloyalty."  The ex-VP, Emmerson Mnangagwa, is a long-serving general in the army and holds considerable sway over the army, the Zimbabwe Defence Force (ZDF).

At the present time, here's what it looks like:

• Senile, paranoiac Mugabe thinks his #2 is going to overthrow him, so he kicks him out.
• Mnangagwa flees the country, knowing what Mugabe has done to disloyal people in the past.
• With Mnangagwa gone, Mugabe's wife smells power, and she starts purging Mnangagwa's army friends from high-ranking government positions.  She prepares to be named the new President.
• The army takes over the capital and the broadcast and communication stations.  They declare no harm to Mugabe, but want to deal with "criminals" around him.
• Mugabe's wife Grace flees the country, knowing how presidential hopefuls are treated in a Mugabe system.  She is reported to be in both Zambia and Namibia.  The former seems more likely.

So, is the old bastard finally going to kick it, and if so, will the military unilaterally declare Mnangagwa the new president, to the horror of the old thugs who had coalesced around Mugabe by doing him little "favours" like adding some muscle to election polling booths, scaring white farmers off their land, and smashing up businesses owned by people thought to support people like Morgan Tsvangirai?  

The new army government would most likely "deal with" people who spent the last few years currying favour with Grace Mugabe.  How the legions of Hitl-... I mean Mugabe Youth will react is probably up to the propaganda skills of the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Network.

What will the international community do?  I dunno.  Ask me after the biscuits and tea we'll have as we celebrate Mugabe's demise.  I personally hate the bastard because of what he's done to Salisbury... I mean Harare.  It's heart-wrenching to wake up in the morning, look at the blooming jacaranda trees, feel the warm morning breeze, and then smell the smoke and hear the gunshots from the new food riots.  Or walk through the shadow of the steel-framed skyscrapers on the way to an internet café while listening to the blaring sound of the modified Blaupunkt radios of the Mercedes-Benzes owned by Chatunga Bellarmine or his friends.  They are advertising that not only are they rich, they are connected enough to get petrol to fuel their vehicles.  Robert Mugabe Jr. takes very good care of his buddies, as his social media profiles attest.
Right.  I will keep watching for future developments.  The life and livelihood of a lot of people depends on what happens next in what the ZDF is calling "not a coup d'état."
Meanwhile, here's the last series of songs that punctuated my ablutions.

Showertime Serenades

Rain Dance, by the Guess Who
I Know You Rider, by the Grateful Dead
Inside, by Matthew Sweet
Tangerine, by Led Zeppelin
I Want You Now, by Big Sugar
Strange Magic, by the Electric Light Orchestra
Bitterblue, by Cat Stevens
Gear Jammer, by George Thorogood
634-5789, written by Eddie Floyd and Steve Cropper, performed by Wilson Pickett, Eddie Floyd, and Jonny Lang

And that's it from me.  Next, I've got some pictures that I think summarize Roy Moore adequately, and I'll update you all on my perspective on the Southern African Situation.
Until then, good night England and the Colonies.
—mARKUS