Number Eighteen

Greetings, gentle readers.
Those of you with delicate sensitivities are no doubt approaching this page with the same trepidation normally reserved for handling radioactive isotopes near one's reproductive organs or juggling eggshell-thin flasks of volatile chemicals. Have no fear. Failing that, have less fear than you would ordinarily express. Gone now are the gory photographs and the tales of shrieking unhappiness. Let us banish such thoughts to the æsthetic wilderness wherein they are incongruous. Instead, let us turn our thoughts to the fairer sex, and see what has happened to eighteenth place in the Premiership, shall we? Last season, that place was held by...
Kara Lang
She's a number of things, primarily amongst them — young. Youngest human being to score in a full international footie match, youngest player ever to get a full cap for Canada, and certainly the youngest female athlete to have earned the appellation "Clubber".
Born in Calgary, Alberta and raised in Oakville, Ontario, Kara has surpassed all expectations. A superb athlete, a phenomenal international competitor, and an exemplary role-model. I suppose that I've run out of comparative adjectives. She's Canadian, athletic, and doesn't just play football, but does so in the true spirit. The great Bill Shankly would be proud to have such a team-spirited player pass and move on the pitch in his colours. I know of few greater compliments. I've even got a photo of her wearing red. Rafa? First female in the English Premiership, perhaps? She's got to be comparable to Mark Gonzales, certainly, and her transfer fee would be a snip compared to any other right-sided midfielder.
So who currently occupies the position of 18th in my Premiership? Answer:
Claire Danes
Another promotion, and not an undeserved one.
Any hesitations about her unidimensional acting abilities are easily dismissed by pointing out the range of emotions she displayed during the run of "My So-Called Life". Sure, her performance in "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" was rubbish, but then, so was the whole film. She did a phenomenal job in Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet", which couldn't have been easy, considering that she had to play opposite Leonardo DiCaprio, who is renowned for being more wooden than several major deciduous forests.
In short, she's expressive, hard-working, decisive, and professional. A couple of those adjectives work both for and against her in my mind, but if you look into her eyes, she has the ability to convince you that she is telling the absolute truth. In other words, you may love her or hate her, but she wields power. I'd much rather have her on my side than marshalling forces against me.
And now, if you'll forgive me, I need to collapse somewhere and faint. Too much æsthetics gives me a bit of a headache. Good night England and the colonies.
Cheers,
-mARKUS
^+Justice for the 96+^