World Cup 2026 — Clown Car Escapades
Greetings Earthlings.
What we find is this: despite the despotic and incompetent geopolitical fumblings of one of the three host nations that jeopardize world order and destabilize global economic stability, the FIFA World Cup 2026 has begun. But although corruption and dirty underhanded dealings seem to be the order of the day, bright-, starry-, and dewy-eyed children of all ages have still flocked to the relevant stadia and found comfortable television vantage points near television sets in anticipation of another edition of the Greatest Show on Turf.
What is analysis without some element of prophecy, and what is commentary without some kind of arrogant presumption to know the future? So without further adieu, here are the predictions for the tournament, moving from the easiest and most blindingly obvious conclusions to the grandest and largest prections of them all.
Won't Even Deserve a Participation Medal
Quite frankly, there are too many teams in the tournament to declare the level of competition to be elite throughout. The expansion of the number of teams to forty-eight has diluted the talent, particularly as many of the new slots have been given to "under-developed" parts of the world. The result is that there are at least four patsy teams that do nothing but pad the numbers. They will not win a game. They will not score a goal. They will have scores run up on them. They will be catching the earliest flights home after the first round. Betting against them may not make any sort of meaningful odds, but their games can always be added to any parley to multiply potential winnings.
Iraq
Iraq are not a particularly bad team. In fact, on any given day, they could be expected to offer a decent result in any Asian conference game. But this is the World Cup, and they're in a group with France, Norway, and Senegal. All three teams will rip Iraq up like a piece of tissue at a snot party. Erling Haaland will be looking to score at least a hat-trick against the poor Mesopotamians. In a weaker group, they might have found a goal, and maybe even a draw. Not this tournament, and not in Group I.
Panama
Another team that is not particularly poor, but is the victim of a poor grouping is Panama. They have players with solid professional and international experience, and they've acquitted themselves well in the CONCACAF Gold Cup in recent years, but they find themselves in Group L, and they will not find an ounce of mercy amongst their competitors. They might be plucky. They might be resolute. But they will be forced to play for nil-nil draws in an effort to gain group points, and they will fail. England, Croatia, and Ghana all have points to prove, and unfortunately, Panama will be the subject of their object lessons.
Curaçao
Statistically the country with the smallest population to ever reach the World Cup, Curaçao is also about to set the record for the oldest manager in the history of the World Cup Finals as 87-year-old Dick Advocaat will creak into the technical area on 14 June. Neither of these facts will do them a whit of good as they get set to inhabit the basement of Group E. Côte D'Ivoire, Germany, and Ecuador will run roughshod over the Caribbean island minnows, and not even traces of regret or shame will be found.
Haiti
This team is actually bad. They qualified through a very greasy CONCACAF group that was likely the brainchild of Jack Warner and his squad of ridiculously corrupt officials. In addition, Haiti has been shortlisted as a country whose citizens are specifically blacklisted by American immigration officials, and the fear of persecuation and prosecution has affected Haitian ethnic communities throughout North America. Crowds are afraid to cheer for the team or attend games in team colours. And the team is sub-par. Seriously. And they're in a World Cup Group with Brazil. That wrecks the morale of decent teams. Morocco and Scotland aren't in the same class as Brazil, but they're a damn sight more competitive than a team that was unable to host any qualifying matches because of internal political squabbles. Haiti will go to pieces so fast that spectators will be hit by the shrapnel. The practical upshot of this implosion is that Haiti go home with 0 goals scored, 0 points registered, and plenty of humiliation to heap on their crumbling society.
There are a few other punching bags that have no chance of getting to the second round, but they at least have the ghost of some sort of potential of manifesting something like a fluke goal from a corner or something. The four hopeless cases listed above have zero chance of manifesting anything beyond a damp squib. Cape Verde and Qatar suck, but have the potential to play one strong game and possibly earn a point before going home. Uzbekistan is awful, but they're in a group with DR Congo, so they could draw each other before perishing of Ebola. Jordan will lose a lot, but they have an extremely long shot to pull off a scoreless draw with either Austria or Algeria.
The Whole Tamale
The most boring and pedestrian outcome of the tournament would be for it to follow the pattern of the last European Championships—Spain beat everyone in the group phase at a leisurely pace, squeak past the Germans, and then proceed to win the whole thing. Probability indicates that the most boring thing is also the most statistically likely.
Romantics long for Lionel Messi to come off the bench in a dramatic final and score a farewell, swansong goal in a final against a French team led by heir-apparent to the striker throne, Kylian Mbappé.
My best case scenario involves Jamal Musiala completing his long road to recovery from a broken leg, cement his partnership with Florian Wirtz, and ignite the latent talents of Joshua Kimmich and Kai Havertz. An early monstrous, crushing demolition of makeweight team Curaçao boosts team morale, and the team clicks into an efficient, swift-flowing, and organically adaptive machine that counter-punches the Argentines, outflanks the French, and passes effortlessly through the Spanish low midfield shield.
That seems unlikely. But possible. The English could surprise if Jude Bellingham and Declan Rice could find the kind of détente that eluded Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in days gone by. But that's also unlikely to happen.
As things develop, such as South Africa and Mexico collecting three red cards in a single game and having to deal with the consequences of three subsequent suspensions, more things will become apparent. For now, that's the way things are.
And that's all of the typing that I have in me for now. Until next time,
Goodnight England and the Colonies,
—mARKUS
