It's a coffee-table book...

Greetings everyone.
I recently had a conversation with a friend wherein she actually asked "It must be really tough for nice guys, huh?" before stating that "I know lots of girls who won't date a guy because he's too nice." Despite the inherently depressing nature of those comments, I tried to forge ahead in the exchange. Eventually, she asked what guys want in a girl. By way of response, I've got my top 20 list of women-folk that I find attractive. I may want to shuffle the order about a bit, since I've just sort of conceptualized it, and my rankings may be a tad off in terms of prioritizing or valuating. Anyway, my dream woman would be some sort of genetic mutant made up of the following individuals.

20. Hillary Rodham Clinton
I once wrote that elegance is sexy, but competence is sexier. Hillary may come off as a little cold at times, but she's a fine lawyer, a solid United States Senator, in addition to being a former first lady and mother of a successful college student. She hasn't put a foot wrong since she's come to the attention of the public eye, and her drive for health care reform in the United States should give her an amazing status - if Tommy Douglas has been voted The Greatest Canadian, and his major contribution was in the field of health care, it's possible that Hillary might just become one of the greatest American women of all time.

19. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Not the best actress in Hollywood by any stretch of the imagination, nor the best songwriter or singer. The point is: she does this stuff and is successful at it. I haven't gotten a role in any Jackie Chan films, haven't had any albums released, or even recorded. I haven't even had any music published. She's got diverse aestethic talents and interests, as well as an energetic optimism that's infectious. It doesn't hurt her case that she's pretty and has a body that looks like it was put together by a pubescent pervert with too many plush toys.

18. Kara Lang
Kara's a bit young. I confess. I was almost in junior high when she was born. But she's got several things going in her favour to get her included on the list. She's Canadian, and that's never a bad thing. That encapsulates a number of inherent characteristics, including modesty, a sense of fair play, kindness and generosity. Plus, she plays The Beautiful Game. And she's really, really good at it. She plays with a Steve McManaman-esque galloping, dribbling game down the flanks, occasionally drifting inside to lash a shot on goal. She's from British Columbia, but I don't really see that as too much of a negative characteristic.

17. Ali Landry
Okay, so this American model and actress is very physically beautiful. She's like a visual exclamation mark. But anyone who has seen "Repli-Kate" will know that she's also a very cool person. Her interviews and performances are congruent with a person who is approachable, fun-loving, humourous and cleverly flippant. First seen by mass audiences in a famous Doritos advert where she sets off the sprinkler system in a library, she doesn't take herself too seriously, and would be a fun person with whom to kick back with a beer and watch a football game.

16. (Tie) Jennifer Dale / Cynthia Dale
OK. I'm not going to choose one sister over the other. That just leads to much unhappiness. What makes these two desirable? Well, they're Canadian (see above), and they've been demonstrating fantastic acting ability for years and years, making daytime CBC movie specials tolerable, and promoting the Canadian Film Industry. They're also not Hollywood "names", which could mean that their talents have gone unrecognized south of the border, but it can also mean that they are women of integrity who haven't sold out.

15. Anna Faris
Star of the "Scary Movie" trilogy, and a deeply under-rated talent. To spend an entire film open-mouthed, wide-eyed, and breathless with simulated terror, and then to pull off some positively brilliant slapstick or deadpan delivery shows versatility and character. Full of enthusiasm, humour, and fun. And cute as a button.

14. Wendy Mesley
Another Canadian, and a woman I've been goggle-eyed over for decades. She has a kind of austere beauty, and her intelligence flashes through it like an electrical current. The smile that perpetually tugs at the corner of her mouth and the way her eyebrows bunch when she gets really intense made me want to watch the National on CBC every week. Blindingly intelligent, incisive, hard-working, committed, knowledgeable and eloquent... she's great. Oh, and for those who don't know, she's a news anchor/reporter.

13. Miranda Otto
J.R.R. Tolkien wasn't very good at writing female characters. Something about the Oxford academic atmosphere, I think, that precludes any delving into a lot of professors' feminine sides. When Peter Jackson did what seems to be the definitive film version of "The Lord of the Rings", he did a bit of shuffling to give the girls a bit more of a run out. One role that benefitted in particular was that of Eowyn, niece to Theodred. Miranda did amazingly well to bring the role to life. As I watched the scene where she is confronted by Gríma Wormtongue (played chillingly by Brad Dourif), I expereienced the same feeling that one gets when just starting to fall asleep - that light-headed, falling sensation. I have the suspicion that I could stare into her deep and expressive eyes for a thousand years. Mesmerizing.

12. Hazel Irvine
For those of you that don't know, Hazel is a television sports presenter in the U.K. She covers the Embassy World Snooker Championships, as well as some of the alpine events during Winter Olympics and other such competitions. Not only can she intelligently discuss sports, but she's erudite, quick-witted, and disarmingly charming. It's not easy trying to coax an entertaining interview from Stephen Hendry or Ronnie O'Sullivan when they're feeling glum and taciturn after losing a 19 rack match. And she makes a Scottish accent sound sexy. Hazel is to men as Sean Connery is to women. And lovely teeth, to match.

11. Natalie Portman
A precocious acting talent that first tugged heart-strings as a waif in "Léon", released in North America as "The Professional", she has also completed her Harvard degree. Intelligent, thoughtful, focused, and diligent, she has a force of character which is hard to avoid noticing. She has her own personality - independent and forceful, and it gives her an undeniable presence.

10. Linda Bresonik
Another decidedly young entry whom I first noticed at the Under-19 Women's World Cup in 2002. She was the standout performer for the champion German team, scoring goals, and playing in every position on the park except goalkeeper - she played sweeper, back, midfield and striker as the Germans strode confidently to an eventual Final win over Brazil on penalties. A thoroughly competent, versatile, athletic leader who plays The Beautiful Game with poise and elegance.

9. Janeane Garofalo
I haven't seen "The Truth About Cats and Dogs", but I was astonished to learn that the "little & large", "pretty & dumpy" dichotomy pal-flick formula was being applied to Uma Thurman and Janeane. She's charmed my socks off in every interview I've ever seen, and her performances always seems authentic and real. She has a wonderful self-deprecatory sense of humour which I find warm and infectious. She's funny, honest, open and unpretentious. In a word: great.

8. Mira Sorvino
Graduated summa cum laude from Harvard in Chinese Studies, and a very well-spoken and personable actress who's not afraid to take the mickey out of herself, as she did in the ditz-fest "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion." She's done action, horror, comedy and whatever genre Woody Allen films fall into. She's an Oscar-winner who doesn't stand on her achievements, but pushes the envelope further.

7. Joanne Guest
A English model who is not only stunningly good looking, but has lectured the Oxford Debating Society. A little dirty and a very blunt and candid speaker in interviews, she's forthright and open, down-to-earth and keenly aware of the opinions and perceptions of others. A confident and ambitious woman who is also laddish to the extent that she would be a person with whom it would be great to meet down the pub and sink a few pints. A complex personality equally capable of demure diffidence and brash vulgarity.

6. Jennifer Hedger
An anchorwoman on TSN who is witty, funny, and not afraid to take on male colleagues intellectually or professionally. She's also really tall. It was once written of her that she could walk across Lake Winnipeg without getting her ankles wet. She digs on sports, has strong opinions and a strong will, and would be a great person with whom to have an argument. She's got a sparkling conversational sense and doesn't let any challenge go unanswered.

5. Laura Harring
The co-star of David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" graduated from Switzerland's Aiglon College with academic honours, worked as a social worker in India. She can do the Argentine tango, perform any of the roles in a Commedia Dell'Arte production, was born in Mexico and grew up in Texas. A true cosmopolite, this is a truly interesting woman with stories to tell, and who shares my interest in the investigation of people and cultures globally. I find her fascinating and would really love to sit down with a bottle of Mateus, a baguette, and an assortment of cheeses to discuss geography and human interaction.

4. Sadie Frost
Her oftimes understated demeanour belies a keen mind and a seething sexuality. Most people will remember her as Lucy from "Bram Stoker's Dracula", playing the bad girl to Winona Ryder's good-girl Mina. I still think of her as the best part of Eric Idle's film "Splitting Heirs." A talented English actress with much more to offer the cinematic community, I would really love to gain an insight into her mind and her thinking. A consummate professional who has never put a figurative foot wrong and, like some of the other actresses listed here, hasn't sold out to Hollywood by choosing her roles rather than just cranking out brainless potboilers for the sake of feeding the ravenous film industry's need for more revenue. No pointless sequels or insipid summer blockbuster action films on her resumé.

3. Lisa Loeb
My music library, mysteriously, has very few female lead singers. Carole King, Edie Brickell and Christine Lavin are probably the only ones with anything near the volume of music I have of Lisa's stuff. She's bright, clever, creative, and not at all self aggrandizing. And she's got the kind of character needed to wear glasses - most people chicken out and wear contacts, but not our Ms. Loeb. She's got the personality of Nanci Griffith, she's prettier than Sarah McLachlan, and writes better songs than both of them. Someone with whom I would very much like to jam and collaborate. And I'd like to ask her whether she's a big J.D. Salinger afficionado, as I suspect.

2. Emily Mortimer
Yes, another actress. I was going to spring for Dr. Linda Woodbridge in this spot, but how many people know the English Literature professor teaching at Pennsylvania State University? Not many, though I'm sure a google search would probably turn up something. She was the professor that changed my academic career irrevocably. Instead, I'm going with Emily Mortimer. She studied English Literature and Russian at Oxford, is a remarkably versatile actress with a talent I deeply admire - being able to emulate English dialects. I've been trying all my life to study, memorize and perform impressions of different dialects, but Emily is the real deal. Her American is great Californian and her Scouse accent is great, although very South Mersey. She's also worked as a newspaper columnist and a playwright, and her commitment to language is perfectly congruent with my University career and personal interests. She starred in one of my all-time favourite films, "Formula 51", a.k.a. "The 51st State," and thus I have seen her often enough to memorize the story of her face and the song of her voice. I'm gonna stop before I start waxing maudlin, if I haven't already.

1. Melanie Chisholm
No, I don't own a single Spice Girls album, single, or song. Why then is Sporty Spice number one on the list? Well, for one, her solo stuff is much better than any of the Spice Girls rubbish, but that's not saying much. She's also from Liverpool, which is worth a lot of consideration. Plus she's fun, spunky, energetic, and a strong personality. Really, whom would you rather your pre-teen daughter idolize? A singing, dancing martial artist like Mel C., or some egregious tramp like Britney Spears? Who is a better role model for girls? I like Mel because she doesn't use sex to sell her music, she's an unabashed Northerner, and she follows the correct football team. Another great woman to meet down the pub and sink a few pints with.

Conclusion:
So what is it that I find attractive in women? What are the common factors of these twenty women? Well, they're approachable, ambitious, energetic, with great character and a sense of humour. They're different shapes, sizes, ages, but I suppose that the overall commonality is that they're good conversationalists with interesting opinions and personality quirks. They're people that I would like to know and hang out with. I guess that's the bottom line: if I can't have a solid debate with them, or at least a heated discussion, it's just not worth it.
Back later.
Cheers, all.

-mARKUS
^+Justice for the 96+^