Thoughts on the MLS All-Stars v. Atletico Madrid Pre-Season Game 
(particularly the colour commentary)
Americans hate dead broadcast air.  They cannot have experts carefully ponder and analyze the action before making a considered judgement.  In fact, they cannot tolerate any sort of relevant information or facts.  This game was a fantastic example of rambling and disturbing verbal vomitus that did nothing other than prevent the sound of the crowd from being audible.  Whenever the play-by-play commentator paused, ran out of breath, choked on his own incompetence, etc, it fell to the colour commentator to blurt out whatever stream of consciousness idiocy happened to be lurching across his tongue.

What I expect from colour commentary:
PbP:  And Manolo receives the ball on the right wing... looking for some options inside... Do you think that he'll want to pass to one of his Argentinian teammates on the MLS side, Stu?
Colour Guy:  Well, ever since he was transferred to Italian club SS Waffeno last summer for 3 million euros worth of tooth fillings, his international form has dipped.  He has scored zero goals in eight appearances, with a single assist on a Pequeno own-goal.  The best that the MLS All-Stars can hope for at this point is that Manolo gives the ball away to Atletico before injuring himself and being substituted for someone useful.
PbP:  A little harsh, Stu.  The ball is hit over the top onto the run of Englishman Joe Bloggs, who holds up the ball at the touchline to the keeper's right.
Colour:  Bloggs is another graduate of the illustrious Wankstone FC academy, where he spent ten years before being picked up on a Bosman free by Smegma Rovers.  Now that he's retired from the international game, the real winners are the Oklahoma City Bombers fans that he delights every six or seven weeks, or whenever he sobers up. 
PbP:  Real classy, Stu.  And there's another attempt on goal smashed high over the bar, the spectators, and the escape altitude for low Earth orbit.

What ESPN thinks is colour commentary:
PbP:  The blue team have the ball.  It's number 7... um... I think that's... um... Cabron with it.  Billy, you've met Cabron, haven't you?
Colour:  If by met, you mean that I hang out in the hallway outside the team dressing room making panting noises, then yes.  The smells on the other side of that door, man.  Reminds me of when my mother would come home after a long night down by the docks at low tide...
PbP:  Oh!  The ball is intercepted by the red and white team.  Uh... Atletico are on the attack now.  I think it's Pendejo with the ball, and he's just been kicked to the ground.  Whistle.  The referee is signalling something...  He's holding up a card... I think he's showing a yellow card to number 4... DeDuudu DeDaada.  Billy?
Colour:  I've always liked that player.  Or at least his sister.  Man, she's one hot tamale.  For a twelve year-old.  Nothing sexier than a twelve year-old with a tequila hangover and a sloppy...
PbP:  And the ref has blown his whistle again.  I think that means the game is over.  Doesn't it?

Just a few short weeks until the competitive fixtures begin anew and we can dispense with the pre-season stuff.
Cheers,
—mARKUS