In the volatile, post-election atmosphere of the American experience, it should be remembered that there is still one thing that is profoundly American. The Klan may hate the Westboro Church because of a lack of respect for veterans, and the Hell's Angels may hate both of the aforementioned groups for their respective bigotries, but amidst all of the hatred, there is one thing that all Americans can follow single-mindedly and without critical thought: the prohibition of same-sex snowmen marriages.
Sure, the imaginations of children can lead them to believe that a snowman can act as some sort of religious authority figure. These children's fantasies might be wistfully delusional enough to deny that the frosty figure will sexually abuse them, but they can be horrifically harmful in other ways. Even if the frozen precipitation construct could be imagined as Parson Brown, it must also be remembered that Parson Brown would never condone marriage between two people of the same gender. An imaginary Parson Brown might agree to marry two children of an age one-third of the legal age of consent, but if they are of the same gender, the conventions of ideal American society dictate that said Parson be salted and reduced to a grainy puddle at the first opportunity.
On the other hand, the god-given second constitutional amendment guarantees that underage children should have unfettered access to semi and fully automatic combat assault weapons so that they can blow the steaming viscera out of anyone that calls them a wimp on Twitter.
Sic Semper Americanus.
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